


Eva's baby

by HerthaLind



Series: Songs of SKAM [6]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Admiration, Birth, Choices, F/M, Fatherhood, Friendship, Motherhood, Unplanned Pregnancy, having a baby, my own best friend, no choice, ready or not, unknown father
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-06-11 23:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15326748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerthaLind/pseuds/HerthaLind
Summary: This is a short story about Eva being pregnant and having a baby. She is very happy about it but not 100% sure who the father is. It is about parenthood, love and choices, told from four points of views: EVA, NOORA, SANA and ADAM (who is one potential father).Each chapter is in a way it’s own short story centering around that person’s experience, and I am trying something new by not telling the story in a chronologically order this time, instead I’ll be jumping back and forth in time “Pulp Fiction”-style.The story takes place in the autumn 2019 and the beginning of 2020 and is part 6 of my series “Songs of SKAM”. I think it could be read independently and I have even made a “Previously on Songs of SKAM” in the pre-notes. Part 1 and 2 had a Sana point of view and was very Yousana-centered. Part 3 and on are structured around a theme or a certain event, with many stories intervening and each chapter told from a different point of view (POV).





	1. POV Eva: My own best friend

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE RESPECT THAT my stories are all based on my own interpretations of the characters. I like to write drama and I know that I provoke sometimes, usually to make a point or move the story forward. It is important for me that “my” characters are “three dimensional”, that they have flaws, make mistakes, sometimes they change, sometimes they surprise, but often they continue to struggle with the same fears and challenges. I like getting comments, hearing different opinions, it is often very rewarding and can give new perspectives.
> 
> BUT if you just want to complain or tell me how wrong I am, please call a friend instead to ventilate and do NOT leave a comment. Too much negativity just drains me and it makes me want to stop sharing what I write.  
> If you don’t like my stories, my characters or my way of writing, you can just stop reading.  
> Write the story you want to read yourself instead! I truly recommend it. When I started I had no idea I would enjoy writing this much or continue this long, I didn’t even plan to share or publish anything at first but got inspired by others sharing and got over my fears.
> 
> PREVIOUSLY ON “Songs of SKAM”  
> Just a few things that can be good to know for this story, some “spoilers”, but very short.
> 
> Eva moved to work at a resort on Gran Canaria in December 2018, as did Vilde, Chris and Mutta before her. They shared an apartment in Las Palmas. Vilde has a spanish girlfriend and Chris and Mutta are together.  
> Before leaving Eva had broken up with Jonas and for a while she had a friends with benefit relationship with Adam. They parted as friend but with mixed feelings about each other and they met again when he was visiting Mutta in Las Palmas. She had felt the need to do things on her own and he was too busy with his music career to have time for a real girlfriend.  
> Noora lives with William, she is studying Journalism and he Law.  
> Sana studies Medicine with Isak and she is engaged to be married to Yousef in summer 2020.  
> Isak is still together with Even who works as the manager at a café by Oslo Central station.  
> Yousef shares a place with Mikael who works as a waiter on the Copenhagen ferry and makes short movies on his weeks off the ship.  
> Elias also moved in with his girlfriend about a year ago, something that upset his mother a bit.

  
_I don't understand_   
_Why do I stress the men_   
_When there's so many bigger things at hand_

_We could have never had it all_   
_We had to hit a wall_   
_So this is inevitable withdrawal_

_I cannot play myself again?_   
_I should just be my own best friend_   
_Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men_   
(Amy Winehouse - Tears dry on their own)

 

### (Saturday 31 August, 2019)

“ **I have come to peace with it. It’s not like I gave them any say on weather or not to keep the baby anyway** ”, Eva said calmly, like it was the easiest thing in the world. She was not bitter or even disappointed, sitting there 18 weeks pregnant pregnant, starting to feel like an ungainly seal everytime she had to bend down to get something or tie her shoelaces. She had decided to keep the baby as soon as she found out. Thinking about it, she had made that decision long before that, she had always wanted to be a young mother. Now she was 20 years old.

 

“ **Them? You make it sound like the baby has two fathers** ”, Noora said and laughed at the absurdity. “ **Well, until I know for sure who it is that’s a bit how it feels. Pawpaw has two fathers and no father** ”, Eva explained. Pawpaw is what the canarians called papaya and a nickname for the baby that Vilde had come up with. It just sounded so cute.

 

Noora, Sana and Chris were in her bedroom helping her go through boxes and paper bags of baby clothes and items she had gotten from a colleague at the kindergarten where she had started working earlier that week. The room was pretty much the same as when she left for Gran Canaria nine months earlier. The same posters and photos on the wall, just now it was also full with baby stuff. It was amazing how willing people were to give away things to new mothers, like they just wanted to get rid of it and get back more free space at home. A friend of her mother had promised her a cradle and a stroller, another acquaintance a car seat. Good, buying all these things new would cost a fortune. Eva took up a pair of miniature rubber boots and said “ **Aww! Size 22, these will be put in the one year box, for when Pawpaw will start kindergarten** ”. She had one box with clothes and items up to three months, one from three to six months, one from 6 months to one year and then one box from one year and up. Chris had found two funny baby T-shirts, one with the cookie monster and one with the text " **That's what I do, I poop and I know things** " written with Game of Thornes fonts. " **I wished they'd make these T-shirts my size! Why should babies get all the fun!** ", she said. 

 

“ **I still think the father, whoever it is, has a responsibility here. You should not have to do it all alone. And the baby deserves to have a father too** ”, Sana argued. “ **But I am not alone! I don’t feel alone, I have you, right? And my mum said that she will try to travel less the first year too** ”, Eva suggested.

 

The thing was that Eva often did feel alone in this. She didn’t have any close friends who knew much about babies, so even though they wanted to help they were just as clueless as herself. She did not know anyone in her age who had small children, who had any real experience. Sure her friends were supportive and excited about it, but they had no idea of how it felt. To stand at the edge of brining a new person into this crazy world. She was determined to become the best mother she possibly could be, to give this child lots of love, stability, a sense of self worth and importance.

 

“ **Anyway, who says that it would be any easier with a father interfering. Maybe it’s easier to do it on my own. And I am not bitter, it’s not like I had a real boyfriend who abandoned me either** ”, Eva continued. “ **Anyway, if I don’t expect anything, I can’t get disappointed!** “.

“ **I hear you girl. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle** ”, Noora said supportively.

Sana seemed less convinced, it showed all over her doubtful face. “ **Still, if he is ready to have sex with you, he should be ready to deal with the consequences. No birth control is 100% safe** ”, Sana argued.

“ **I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to have a guy around just because he felt like he had too. Not if he didn’t want to. I think the baby deserves better than that** ”, Eva said. Eva thought about a parent-teachers meetings at the kindergarten. She got to sit in with a couple who had a two year old and noticed how her college constantly turned to the mother with questions and information on how their two year old was doing. Soon it got a bit embarrassing because it became obvious that the father was the primary caretaker, since the mother had a very demanding job at the hospital. They should had known this since it was usually him leaving and picking up the kid. Eva told the others and explained. “ **I want a father like that, one who wants to be there, who is just as involved as myself. Otherwise I might as well do it on my own** “.

 

She had been home in Oslo for almost two weeks now and was on the substitute list working hours at different kindergartens when somebody call in sick or had to take a day off. Nobody could miss the fact that she was pregnant now. Mostly because of the way she started to waddle when she walked and how she would stand with her hands on her back, pouting her stomach out. She was not much bigger than normally yet, but she was so proud of her little belly that she deliberately chose to wear clothes that revealed her state the most.

 

Last week when she came of the Las Palmas flight it had been different. She had sent a message to Adam telling him that she was coming back earlier than planned, and that she had something she wanted to tell him. He had answered her with in seconds, for once, seemingly happy to hear it and offered to pick her up at the airport. “ **I can’t wait to see you soon** ”, he had written.

 

His reaction surprised her. Sure, they had some special moments and he was always very attentive and sweet whenever they were together. A real smooth talker too at times. But they had not had much contact since his visit in May. He had been very busy all year with his music and very productive, releasing three new songs solo and participated in two collaborations since new year. From his instagram he seemed to be travelling a lot, having small and big gigs all over Norway all the time too, performing on a long list of summer festivals and live radio shows.

 

Thinking about it he had done nothing, or very little, to made her feel like she was special to him. Nothing that indicated that he cared or was thinking about her when they were apart. When her body was out of reach. He mostly just dm’d her on instagram to let her know about a new song or video and ask her what she thought about it. Fishing for compliments, to boost his ego perhaps. And she knew very well that he was busy, so she had not expected anything else really. They were not together.

So his reaction now surprised her. She was already feeling guilty for messing up and getting pregnant like this, and his message made her feel even worse. “ **I can’t wait to see you soon** ”. Why, what was he hoping for? One thing she knew for sure was that he would not be happy about her big news.

 

And she was right. He didn’t take the news good at all.

He was such a boy. At first he looked so stupidly happy to see her. Maybe things could have been different, but now, instead she would have to disappoint him. Upset him. It was like giving candy to a child and then taking it away.

She remembered walking to him at the arrivals gate, trying to hide her belly under a big sweater. He gave her a welcoming hug and offered to take the bigger suitcase for her.

She remembered the confused and worried look on his face as they were walking towards the car, when he started to realise that something was wrong. His car was messy, he threw two or three empty pet-bottles that were lying around to the back seat, excusing himself saying that he had been meaning to get them recycled but always forgot.

 

She didn’t see any point on waiting and told him as soon as they were alone in his car. First he got upset about the coming baby, accusing her of claiming that her hormonal ring was the safest birth control on the market. Then he got even more upset about the unclear father situation. How the hell could she not know who the father was? So she had slept with two different guys the same week! They got trapped in a traffic jam leaving the airport and it stressed him, made him curse his fellow drivers and take risks trying to get ahead of a car and it made her uncomfortable, even scared. She stayed quiet the rest of the drive to her house.

 

He seemed jealous, or hurt or just frustrated and spiteful. But he did not ask who the other potential father was or on any details about him or the pregnancy. And Eva did not wish to tell him anything more, not when he was like this. They would have to talk some other time when he had cooled down a bit. If he ever would calm down. Maybe he would just always hate her from now on.

She could not wait to get out of the car and into her safe home. She thanked him for the ride and insisted on taking her own bags. She did not need his help! It bothered her that he stayed and watched her carrying the bags to the door, but she decided to ignore him and soon enough he was on his way and she was alone in the house.

 

The other potential father was a guy from France that she had been together with for a few weeks on Gran Canaria. Michel. She had broken up with him just before Adam came to visit Mutta. She liked him, but it was complicated. He was going back to France and it had never been very serious to start with. Eva did not even plan to tell him about the pregnancy, unless she had to. One potential father’s reactions was more than enough for her to handle right now. She didn’t want to deal with more drama or disappointments than necessary. She wanted to focus on positive. The coming baby!

With Adam it was different. She had no choice but to tell him because he would find out anyway. So she figured that the best thing was to just get it done and over with, rip it off fast, like a bandaid. Now it was done and she was free to move on.

 

Her friends and her mother had all taken the news well and been nothing but supportive. “ **You should be careful with what you wish for** ” had been a repeated phrase. It was no secret that she loved babies and children and wanted her own in a near future. This day was arriving much sooner than expected and the circumstances were very different than she had imagined, but she was still happy about it. She didn’t feel like she was missing out, she was still young and could still do anything she wanted in life, she just needed to be flexible and adapt it a bit to include the baby.

 

She thought about when she was little and how her mother used to sing lullabies and other kids songs for her. She loved the _Sunshine’s lullaby_ , about nature sleeping all winter, waiting until spring time to wake up, and _Mikkel the fox_ , who wrote a letter to the moon. She had sung them at the kindergarten too sometimes. She thought about how her father used to take her out in the forest to pick berries and mushrooms and look for tracks from wild animals. Maybe now he would do the same with his grandchild. She wondered if he did took time to explore the forest with his new children in the weekends. Her half brothers.

 

“ **Have you heard anything else from Adam?** ”, Sana asked. Eva shook her head. “ **What a coward** ”, Sana said disapproving. Eva was about to defend him, to explain that she understood why he got upset. “ **He is probably just too busy with his music to deal with any real life issues** ”, she said casually instead, like it neither bothered or surprised her.

“ **He is not actually. He started working on the Copenhagen ferry this summer. He got fed up with living at home and he needed a more stable work contract to get an apartment** ”, Sana told her. Eva didn’t know anything about this change in Adam’s life. “ **I think he said that he got tired of touring and people telling him what to do too. And he still has time to make music when he is off the ferry. He had a two week shift, two weeks of contract, like Mikael** ”. So time did not stand still in Oslo just because she was on Gran Canaria, Eva noted. She wondered what else she might had missed when she was away.

 

...

 

A few hours later, as Eva was walking to her pregnancy yoga session, with Amy Winehouse in her ears, and the warm sun in her face, she felt strong and confident, almost invincible. She was amazed by her own body. She could create life, give life to a new little person. She was looking forward to the big day when she was going to meet little Pawpaw. But she was also enjoying the the actual pregnancy. Especially this phase, the second trimester. She was big enough to feel it move inside her and finally people around her had started to notice her belly. The initial nausea was over, but still she was not very heavy, it did not limite her life in any particular way. Apart from shortness of breath after one flight of stairs and having to stay away from alcohol and certain cheese and meat.

Noora was right, she didn’t need a man. There were so many more important things in life than men. She had been off men for months now and life had never been better. She should just be her own best friend, be the best mother she possibly could and that was all it was to it. She could do this. She was almost a superheroine.

 

### Chat (Sunday 1 September, 2019)

Adam: **Hi. sorry, for before, in the car**

Eva: **it’s ok, don’t worry about it**

Adam: **I bet the other potential father took it better**

Eva: **Actually I haven't told him**

**He left Gran Canaria in may**

Adam: **oh, ok**

Eva: **so I thought I’ll only tell him if I have to, when I know for sure**

**Sorry for this, I know it’s a mess**

Adam: **it’s ok, don’t worry about it**

**It will be ok**

Eva: **Look, I’m fine with it, I’m just sorry to drag you into it**

Adam: **good that you are fine**

 

Adam: **I need to get ready for work, working on the Cope-ferry for two weeks**

**but let’s talk more when I’m back, ok?**

Eva: **I heard**

**so you don’t have internet on the ship?!**

Adam: **sure we do, I’m not going to the middle of the desert!**

**Actually I read about a guy in the middle of the desert that has satellite internet powered by solar panels!**

Eva: **wow**

Adam: **I know, the photo made it look totally sci-fi, like Mars or something**

**Shit, I really need to get going. But let’s talk later**

Eva: **Ok, good work week then**

Adam: **thanks, bye**


	2. POV Noora: Motherhood

  
_One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing_  
_And you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky_  
_But till that morning, there ain't nothin' can harm you_  
_With daddy and mammy standin' by_  
(George Gershwin - Summertime)

### (Saturday 29 February, 2020)

Noora stopped in the doorway and almost wanted to turn around and leave immediately. She was looking forward to meet Eva and baby Julie, not intrude on what seemed to be a mum and baby meet up. Three of Eva’s new mum friends from an online young mother’s group was there with their offsprings and the living room had been turned into a nursery with babies on blankets and toys everywhere.

“ **Hi, the door was open** ”, she said when Eva finally noticed her and came over to give her a hug.

 

Noora made the tour and said hi to everyone, mothers and babies, but did not remember many names.

“ **I didn’t know you had people over. I could come later, or tomorrow, instead** ”, she said. “ **No, I’m glad you came. It’s nice to see you. Julie is sleeping downstairs in my room. Do you want to go with me down to check on her?** ”, Eva asked. Noora nodded. Julie always seemed to be sleeping whenever she was visiting, she thought disappointed.

“ **I didn’t know they were saying so long. But you know how it is with babies, you get delayed. When you’re about to leave there is always something, they want to eat or you need to change a diaper. And then once you sit down and get comfortable, it’s such a project to get up and leave. Especially now when you need to put on winter cloths** ”, Eva explained on the way down to the basement. “ **I’m not saying that I don’t want them to stay, they are great. It’s great to talk to others who are in the same situation. But it’s also so exhausting, so I am happy when they leave too. It’s so much calmer when you or Sana come** ”, she added to not be misunderstood.

 

They entered her bedroom silently to not wake the baby and it took some time for Noora to get used to the dark. There she was, sleeping peacefully in her crib. She was so beautiful. There was something almost unreal about her. Just knowing that less than a month ago this little person had been inside Eva. Noora was thinking about how strange and amazing it was that she already loved Julie for no other reason than that she existed. No reason needed. It was so easy. Julie could not do anything, in a way she was completely useless, demanding and depending on others to care for her twenty-four-seven. And still she was so precious and so loved.

 

“ **Julie. It’s a french name right** ”, Noora asked. “ **Yes, I think so. But it works in most parts of the world, don’t you think? We thought it was good to give her an international name** ”, Eva answered.

 

“ **So, how is the lucky father doing?** ”, Noora asked jokingly. There always seemed to be some drama going on between the two of them. “ **Hmm, don’t even mention him** ”, Eva answered annoyed. Then she took it back, partly at least. “ **Ok, he’s not completely useless. He did come by yesterday and took care of her so I got to take a shower and could sleep a bit more. He even changed a poop diaper! So now he thinks he’s a superhero. It was strange, he was out with her for over one hour and I almost got worried. It’s the longest I have ever been apart from her. So instead of enjoying some free time, I just called him and said that I wanted my baby back** ”.

 

“ **So what’s the problem then?** ”, Noora wondered. “ **It’s just this whole paternity-test thing that’s creating problems. He is so jumpy and sensitive about it and doesn't want the authorities involved** ”, Eva continued. Noora nodded supportingly. It seemed like a tricky situation. “ **I don’t get it, he is so paranoid, such a conspiracy theorist! He doesn’t want me to write ‘father unknown’ on any documents. But if I told the truth social services would pay for the test, you know. It would probably be faster. Instead he insisted on doing the test through this private laboratory. We posted the DNA-samples the other week so now we are waiting for the answer. And yesterday I got a reminder about needing to register Julie with a name, parents and all. Officially she has a number, but not a name yet! Who cares if it is written somewhere that we needed to do a paternity test? It’s done all the time!** ”.

 

Julie interrupted them by making the cutest sound when she was walking up. “ **Do you want to hold her?** ”, Eva asked and carefully gave her to Noora. Julie made a big yawn and blinked a few times before she opened her eyes and fixated them on Noora. It was the first time Noora had seen her fully awake and she looked back, deep into her dark blue eyes and felt like she could see the whole universe in them. She was amazing, perfect, an unwritten book. This girl could grow up and become anything. Maybe a scientist, a leading politician or a great artist. Maybe she would grow up and be attracted to men, maybe she would be attracted to women, maybe she would love hip hop and jazz or maybe be more into classical music and dance ballet. The thought of it touched Noora. She thought of all the things that she wished she could protect her from, all the evil in the world, all the confusion, heartache and pain. She had a good start though, a mother that really loved her and wanted her. Sana could teach her about science and religion and she could learn her about feminism from herself. Chris and Vilde would keep her down to earth and make sure she didn’t take life too seriously. They would be her godmothers and always watch over her.

 

“ **Has Vilde been by?** ”, Noora asked. Eva nodded. “ **Yes, she has been here almost every day since her mother’s funeral. She mostly just walk around with Julie in her arms. Sometimes she smiles but she also cry a lot. She says it helps** ”.

 

They returned upp stairs to the others. Noora sat mostly quietly with Julie in her arms and listened to a number of horrifying birth stories. Were they trying to shock her on purpose? If she had been a little unsure on whether or not to ever have a baby, by now every doubt disappeared. They were like a group of soldiers coming home from war sharing their traumatic war stories. The more pain, blood and suffering the better. Like they were in competition. One mother told the others about how she got induced after the water had broken. Her water had a tinted green colour, which apparently could be dangerous. When she had been under observation at the hospital and in labour for over twenty hours they ended it with an episiotomy. Noora did not know what an episiotomy was and immediately regretted asking about it. Ignorance sure is bliss.

And just in case anybody thought that giving birth was the hard part, Noora learned that the suffering did not necessarily end after the baby was out. “ **For me the worst part was starting to breastfeed, to get the milk production started. Seriously I would choice giving birth ten times over that** ”, another mother said and explained in detail her feverish days with engorged and swollen breasts and the pain she still had from cracked and sore nipples every time she fed her little one. “ **I have not slept more than maybe two or three hours continuously for the past six months** ”, the third mother revealed. The other mothers nodded and seemed to agree. Sleeping was a luxury these days.

 

One of the mothers seemed to be a self proclaimed expert on motherhood and child safety and she annoyed Noora with all her do's and don’ts. Don’t start by feeding your baby bananas because then you’ll make them sugar-depended and risk obesity, start with mashed potatoes instead. Don’t ever give your child fast food unless you want to ruin their figure for life and whatever you do don’t ever let them play with plastic toys!

“ **I thought that only plastic baby products free from BPA and phthalates were allowed on the market** ”, another mother protested, while giving her baby formula from a plastic baby bottle. “ **Yes, but test show that 20% of the products on the market fail those tests anyway. So you never know! I wouldn’t risk it. Especially not since I have a son, studies shows that the increased exposure to chemicals has made men less fertile today** ”.  

She also told them all about how to get babies to sleep all night in their own bed and stressed the importance of making them exercise by lying on their stomach while awake, to train neck and back muscles, but to be on their back if they were to sleep, to avoid the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Noora wondered if that even was a real thing, but she didn’t ask this time.

 

After the others had left Noora and Eva made a frozen pizza and started talking about her new friends, especially this know-it-all mother. “ **Yeah, she is a bit like that. She means well. I think it’s because being a mother is her life project, so it’s important for her to do everything exactly right** ”, Eva said. It didn’t seem to bother her the way it did Noora. Maybe it was the fast food taboo and the obsession of being healthy that had hit a sore spot. Noora’s parents had always made sure to put healthy food on the table and enroll her in physical activities. They also meant well but had missed the whole point of parenting anyway. She was sure Eva would become one of those mothers who actually enjoyed spending time with her daughter, who would let her stay up late some nights just to watch the end of a movie together. One who allowed fast food and unhealthy snacks now and then, even in the middle of the week, just because it was forbidden.

 

“ **And I know many people thought, and still think, that I was crazy for having a baby now, that it is only because i am a mess and I don’t have any plan with my life… but it’s not like that. I would had wanted to work with kids anyway and now I get to have my own baby and learn things from her! Oh and I have found a baby swimming course! It is so cute. Can you imagine doing that as a work, being a swimming instructor for babies. With the parents off course, they swim with their parents** ”, Eva continued exited. She was tired but still excited about everything new in her baby-life. It was a beautiful sight. The pizza was ready and Noora had made a fresh tomato and cucumber salad with a oil and vinegar dressing to go with it.

 

“ **Anyway I don’t feel like I have to be like that. Sure I will listen to advice but then I’ll take one day, one month at a time and just be in the moment, enjoy the changes. So what if she’ll end up sleeping in my bed until she’s three years old. And I can still do anything I want to, just maybe not in the same way or as fast as some. I don’t have to be the perfect mother who does everything right. I can be my own type of mother, do things my own way** “, Eva said definitely.

 

“ **Is there a right and wrong way to do it?** ”, Noora asked. The question was rhetorical. Off course she knew there were a lot of rules and opinions on how to be a good mother. For sure more rules and opinions than on how to be a good father. It made her think about something the poet Adrienne Rich had written, about the experience and institution of motherhood. It was one of those feminist books she had read, when she was in a phase trying to understand her own mother. It had made her realise that she had been unfair. Why was it that all of her rage, all of her disappointment, had been directed towards her mother and not so much her father? They had both been busy with their work and research, both of them had neglected her. To be fair her mother had even shown a bit more interest than her father, but she had always assumed that it was because of her interests. If she would had started playing football or been more into sailing maybe her father would had felt more connected to her.

 

Her mother usually came to her riding competitions, at least the more important championships, and she either came or made sure somebody filmed whenever she was to sing a solo. If she could not make it her mother apologised a million times. Noora hated those apologies but made sure to make the most of the guilt and asked for new riding boots, breeches or a jacket for competitions.

Her mother was fast to compliment her on her victories and performances and used to give her good feedback. After all her mother used to be a talented rider and singer herself.

It sometimes made her question if she had ever really like riding or singing, or if it was just a way to connect with her mother, to get her attention. But they were never very personal, her mother didn’t ask her about why she had chosen to perform a certain song or how she felt about the horses. One time, when she had been talking non stop about horses and stable life at the dinner table, her mother had smiled at her and said that she too used to feel like that. “ **It is almost like a love story. Then it passes and you will discover boys and sex and things will become a little bit more complicated** ”. It made Noora feel belittled, like a child loving childish things. After that she just stopped talking like that, sharing her thoughts freely. Part of her did not want to grow up and lose the love of horses, while another part of her felt provoked because she thought that she already did know about boys and sex. And love. Did it really have to be that complicated?

 

Sex. It was funny when she thought about it, because she could only remember her parents talking about strange cases, people who had absurd behaviors or addictions. It was as if her child brain only registered the abnormal, surely they must have talked about other more normal things as well. She knew that sex was something amazing and powerful, but also that it could get twisted and dangerous.

 

The biggest betrayal of all was that they never gave her a horse of her own. Her best friend had a horse of her own at the stable. Today she could not even understand why she had felt that way. It was not a human right to own a horse. But at the time it was all that she wanted and she could not understand why they wouldn’t give it to her. Her father was not opposed to the idea, he would probably had given her anything she would asked for. But her mother said no, meaning it was a too big responsibility and too much work would come with it. They gave her a puppy instead when she turned 11. They named him Hamlet. To keep her company they said. They talked about selling him after she had moved to Madrid four years later, and it became obvious that she would not move back home. But they never dit. She liked to think sometimes that he reminded them of her.

 

Eva’s excitement over having a baby and Vilde losing her mother had a strong impact on Noora and made her question many things that she used to believe. Her mother and father had not been able to give her the love and affection that she had needed, but that did not necessary mean that they did not loved her. William had argued this for years now, they must love her, they just did a lousy job showing it. They had cared for her, made sure she had what she needed and that she got good opportunities to develop her interests and talents.

 

So one cold day last week when she was on her monthly telefon call with her parents, to confirm that she was alive and well, that they still had a daughter, she asked her mother straight out. “ **You never enjoyed being a mother much, did you? You were always more passionate about you work** ”. She had not intended to start a long conversation or get an honest and personal answer or explanation. She blamed William for making her careless enough to let such a question escape her lips. For making her think that maybe, just maybe they did love her after all. The question was hanging in the air for what felt like a long moment.

 

“ **I… just never imagined that parenting would be so... hard. The first year was easy, you were always such a happy baby. But I also missed my work like crazy, I missed talking to adults about other things than diapers and baby things. Two weeks after you were born your father was back at work, and I felt abandoned at home with a little child that I didn’t know what to do with. I was brilliant at work but never very good with children. The nannies and the au pairs were better suited for that. Still I have many nice memories from that time, when you were little** ”, her mother said.

 

Noora started to regret that she has opened up for this conversation. It made her uncomfortable to hear her mother talk about longing back to work, longing away from her little baby. Part of her wanted to keep a safe distance were she had her own life in Oslo and her parents had their reality and their existence only mixed on the compulsory holiday dinners or anniversaries and these monthly telefon calls. Part of her thought that if they didn’t care enough when she was a child, when she needed them, they did not deserve a relationship with her now that she did not need them anymore.

Still she was hypnotised and wanted to hear more, to understand who her mother had been and why they had not managed to create a close, warm mother-daughter relationship when she was growing up.

 

“ **I guess I have not been a very good mother. I missed things because I was not paying attention, I regret that. But you always seemed so grown up, so mature, on top of things, so I never worried much about you. You did so well, with everything. Apart from the... toilet problems** ”, her mother continued. Noora felt the need to stop her. “ **Please mum, can we not talk about my… toilet problems** ”. She had always had a nervous stomach and was constipated from time to time. She still remembered how embarrassed she had felt by her mother’s surprised discovery of her dirty underwear one evening and how she then was forced to talk to the school nurse about her problem and eat extra fruit and fibers and drink plum juice for months.

 

Her mother apologised for her lack of sensitivity and continued. “ **Somehow I always thought it would be easier the older you got. And then you got ill and I understood that you had no trust in me. I had failed you and now it would take years to repair that damage.** ” Noora felt her eyes tearing up and wanted to find a way out, a way to end this conversation. It was all too much for her. Her mother admitting her failure, having regrets and that she too had been hoping for another type of relationship. A closer relationship. Noora said that she needed to go, to get ready for meeting William and that she needed to hang up.

“ **Ok, I understand. Say hi to William from me. And Noora... thank you for bringing this up. I have tried but I never wanted to force it on you**.”

 

The phone call with her mother had stirred up a number of emotions. Old and new. Good and bad. Anger that she, the child, had to bring it up, take initiative to this conversation. She knew what her mother meant though, that she had tried to talk to her before. A few times her mother had tried to ask personal questions and also shared some of her own personal stories. But it had just been awkward and made Noora feel uncomfortable so she had either changed the topic or found an excuse to end the conversation. What hurt her most now was that she still had the feeling that her mother was mostly talking from guilt and not from love. A mother had to love her child, care for her and protect her. And having a fourteen year old daughter in a clinic for an eating disorder was pretty much proof of failing as a parent. It was obvious that her mother’s constant diets and health obsessions had been passed on to her daughter unfiltered.

Still their conversation had given her hope. Hope that one day she might have a better relationship with her mother. And she felt sorrow that today she didn’t.

 

A few days later she received a letter with a couple of her baby photos and a usb-stick with a video on. “ **I finally got this video digitised and it awakes many happy memories for me and your father** ”, an accompanied note explained.

 

They were at the beach and Noora was just a baby. Trying to stand up and playing with the water and the muddy sand. Her mother looked very happy, playing with her in the sand, pouring water over her and making piles of sand into a poor imitation of a sand castle. She could hear her grandmother in the background constantly criticising her mother, telling her to be careful to not get mud in the poor child's hair, and to put more sun lotion and a sunhat on the poor child. She could see how her mother kept ignoring those commands, as if she did not even understand the words. She often did that when her grandmother started telling her what to do. Instead of listening to the older woman she was busy playing with her little baby girl.

 

Tears had started to pour down Noora’s cheeks. She remembered her mother in the car back from visiting the grandparents once, how she had sworn that she would never become like that woman. This was something that had been transferred on to herself, as she had also sworn to never become like her own mother. It was tragic somehow. She had read about it _matrophobia_ , the fear of becoming like your mother. But it had usually been explained as the fear of becoming a victimised, self sacrificing woman whose life only focused around her children, so Noora had never felt like it could be applied to her. Her mother was not a victim. She was a strong independent woman, a successful sexologist. She had always done whatever she wanted. In some ways she had probably been a feminist role model for Noora, even if she had not been able to handle the work and family life balance very well. But then again, who did? Maybe it was not too late for them to get to know each other now, to have a relationship as adults, as equals.

 

It made her happy to see Eva with Julie, her excitement over the smallest details, her unconditional love. Even when complaining about sleepless nights and poop diapers, it was always done in a loving, trender way.

 

She had posted a photo of herself holding Julie on her instagram earlier and noticed William’s comment. “ **It suits you <3**”. It made her smile but also think that she could never do what Eva was doing. That she wasn’t cut out for that. But maybe, just maybe, she could do it in her own way, one day. In a very, very distant future.

 

### Blog post: My friend Eva - or the post about motherhood

#heroine #motherhood #babylife #suppressiontechniques #doublebind #shaming #breastfeeding #workfamilybalance #withalittlehelpfrommyfriends

 

My best friend Eva just had a beautiful little baby girl! Which makes me a proud aunt or godmother or something. It has also made me realise that being a good mother is probably the most difficult thing a woman can do. So this post is for all mothers out there struggling and enjoying the experience and institution of motherhood.

 

The father is a hero just for showing up. For changing a poop diaper now and then or putting the baby to bed. You see them on paternity leave walking down the street with a stroller or playing with their kids on the playground and everybody goes “Awww, how sweet a father with his baby”.

 

For the mother on the other hand it’s a double bind. She cannot do things right enough. If she stays home with the kid too long she is shamed for that and if she goes back to work too soon as well. She should breast feed her baby, but not too few or too many months and if she does it in public, she’ll be shamed for that! Of course there are different opinions about what is considered too few or too many months, just to make life complicated. The expectations come from all over, from outside and from inside. New discoveries and studies give you new and contradicting expert advice on a regular basis too.

 

Forget about individuality and women being different, when a woman has a baby the pregnancy and lactation hormones makes them all the same, right? One big self sacrificing being with an unlimited amount of patience and genuine interest in everything that has to do with children. One who gives up her life for her children - and in some miraculous way still manage to balance it with having a career on the side.

 

I am positive that Eva will do great job, though! She is already talking about listening to advice but ignore some of it and do it her own way. I’m sure she will be like Lorelai Gilmore, being her daughters best friend but still disciplined, putting her child's needs first but still following her own dreams and she is not too proud to ask for help. She has already involved many other adults in the process, the father off course, friends, grandparents and her colleagues.

 

I feel lucky and honored to be a part of this adventure.

 

_*Ko-fi: If you like my posts click here to buy me a coffee or two*_


	3. POV Sana: Ready or not

  
_Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide_   
_Gonna find you and make you want me_   
(Fugees)

### (Wednesday 29 January 2020)

 

It was not only out of concern and love for Eva that Sana had offered to be her birth partner when the day came. She was looking forward to the event also from a medical point of view. And with Eva’s mother away for work alot and the undefined father situation this was a perfect arrangement. Sana was very engaged and interested in all the health controls and processes going on in Eva’s body. She had gone with Eva on the first ultrasound in Oslo, just a few days after she was back from Gran Canaria and she had been with her on almost all the visits to the midwife’s office in the Maternity and Child Health Care Centre to check how the baby was growing.

 

The midwife's office could best be described as a mixture of an office, or living room and a medical examination room. The two visitor chairs were old but comfortable and there were an old floral curtains in the window. Photos of babies and thank you notes covered the wall behind the desk, there was an examination table upon which the patient, Eva, could sits or lies down and various other equipment. In one corner of the room was a gyno chair, it was placed a bit hidden behind the same type of old floral curtains. Also the midwife gave an impression of being both familiar and professional, a little like a helpful but nosey aunt asking too many private questions.

 

On one of the visits Sana had asked how come Eva was not scheduled to meet with an obstetrician. A real doctor, a specialist. The midwife had plainly answered that Eva was pregnant, not ill. The blood count was normal, tests made did not indicate any increased risks, such as pregnancy related diabetes or preeclampsia. The tests for rubella, HIV, syphilis and chlamydia came back negative and there were not any other known chronic or hereditary diseases to take into consideration. “ **Eva is a healthy young pregnant woman. So far everything looks perfect, there are no indications on anything being wrong with either the mother or the baby. So we follow the standard program, like we do unless we see a reason not to** ”, she had explained. Then she turned to Eva and said, “ **Trust your body. If you are insecure or worried about anything, anything at all, you can call this number and we’ll find out what is going on** ”.

 

Sana had mixed feelings about her answer. Sure, pregnancy is not an illness and often there was no need to worry. But there is still a reason why women today usually give birth in a hospital, it is not a completely natural and risk free event, for neither the mother nor the baby. In places where many women still gave birth on their own, without the assistance of professional medical personnel the maternal and infant mortality rate are much higher.

Sana had read that compared to many other European countries, especially countries with lower birth rates, Norway offered fewer tests, controls and ultrasounds in the standard program. Cuts in the healthcare systems budget could risk patients safety. They used to be offered two ultrasounds, now only one, unless they were over a certain age or anything in particular indicated the need for more controls.

 

At the end of the last midwife appointment Sana took the opportunity to ask a few of her own questions when Eva had gone to the bathroom. “ **If I would need advice and a prescription on birth control, can I book an appointment here?** ”. The woman looked surprised but answered yes. “ **Should I get a gynecological examinations too? Is it something you do here, or would I need to contact a gynecologist directly?** ”, she continued. “ **You can do it here, we do routine gynecological check ups and refer to our gynecologist or other specialists when needed. If you are under 23 you can also do it a the youth clinic. May I ask you if you plan to get pregnant or to avoid it?** ”, she asked, still a bit confused.

“ **Avoid it. Definitely avoid it. I am getting married in June and I have five years left of medical school** ”, Sana explained. The midwife nodded friendly and congratulated her.

“ **I can book a time for you now if you want to** ”, the midwife suggested. Sana hesitated first, then thought, why not. Spring would be busy and summer would come in no time and this way she could even try more than one type of birth control in case the first option did not suit her. Before she had finished her business Eva was back from the bathroom and looked curiously at her. Sana ignored her.

 

On the way to have lunch at a sweet little café close by Eva started interrogating her teasingly. “ **Sana? Sana banana? Is there something you have not told me? Are you... pregnant?** ”. “ **No Eva** ”, Sana answered shortly. What a crazy thought.

“ **So… you and Yousef are finally planning to… do it? Is that why you needed an appointment?** ”, she asked. “ **Yes Eva. We are getting married** ”, Sana answered annoyed. “ **But… you are not getting married until June! I thought you had decided to wait?** ”, she continued, trying to lure it out of her.

“ **Eva. This is really none of you business. But yes, we are going to wait. We have waited this long, and we can wait a bit longer** ”, Sana explained like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Eva made a disappointed puff. “ **But I can’t understand why. What’s the point? I mean, since you are getting married and all anyway. Don’t you just want to do it! I mean when you’re together, you must feel like it** ”.

“ **It’s about respect and self control!** ”, Sana tried to explain. “ **But you have already proven that! Both of you!** ”, Eva continued. Sana hushed her. “ **We are not going to discuss this any longer** ”. Her non-existing sexlife was not anybody’s business. And seriously, she would not take any advice from Eva on the matter. Sure, she could envy her friends, but she would get enough of lovemaking soon enough anyway.

 

They had almost reached the place when Eva broke the silence again. “ **So what did she say, aunty, when when she realised that you were not my girlfriend?** ” she asked and nodded towards building they had just left. Sana did not follow. Eva had suspected that her midwife thought that they were a lesbian couple found it very amusing. Sana had not noticed any signs of that at all. “ **Come on! She always refers to you as** **_my partner_ ** **and when she asked about the father you answered very fast that the father is out of the picture and that we did not have any reason to suspect any hereditary diseases. End of discussion** ”. Sana laughed. Ok, she had probably appeared a bit protective of Eva. “ **I just didn’t think it was any of her business** ”, she explained and laughed again. This whole pregnancy adventure had been a good distraction for her this autumn. After having some struggles adapting to a new class and getting back to student life after her accident. It had brought her closer to Eva and also been useful, given her a unique opportunity to focus on a human and medical condition.

 

Sana smiled to herself, thinking about that she was the only one of two people who knew that it was a probably little girl that Eva was expecting. Eva didn’t want to know the sex, she wanted it to be a surprise and had put her fingers in her ears and closed her eyes at the end of the ultrasound when the technician explained to Sana what they were looking at and why she was almost sure that it was a little girl on the screen. It took a trained eye to see it. Boys were usually easier to detect.

 

The second person who knew about it was Adam. He had begged Sana to tell him. It was probably his way to get used to the idea that it might be his child, his daughter in there. Still she didn’t really know how she should treat Adam until the paternity test had been made. Was it for instance ok for her to pass on information to him about the pregnancy, or not?  It could be his. Either way the little girl deserved a father, or an extra parent, Sana thought, and Adam seemed to be up for the challenge. Most of the time.

 

Adam. He was a mess, completely clueless. He was back and forth, hot and cold, but he managed to pull himself together whenever Eva was around. Most of the time.

Other times could be nervous, confiding to Sana that he was not sure if he was ready. If they were ready. He wanted and tried to be someone that maybe he was not. Someone who was ready. Still according to Sana he seemed like a better bet than that French guy. From what Sana had heard from Chris and Vilde he had been a player and a bit of a pothead.

 

Anyway it did not help Adam much that people around doubted him. Her idiot brother Elias was being a complete asshole, teasing him about it, saying he was the last person he could picture having a kid. What did he know about babies? Yousef had been more supportive, or at least that was Sana’s impression. She once caught the two of them talking about fun things to do with toddlers in Oslo, summer and winter activities and how the child care system was organised. Sana was not sure if Adam knew, that she knew, that maybe he was not the father. He must understand that Eva had told her, she thought. But from the way they talked about it, Yousef and Elias probably didn’t know either. Mutta probably knew more. After all he and Eva were close, and they had been living together on Gran Canaria when she had gotten pregnant.

 

Yousef was almost too interested in the coming baby. “ **Why do you care so much? It is not even your baby?** ”, Sana asked him one time. “ **I don’t know, I just love babies, they are so soft and cute, they smell good and make these funny faces. They just make people happy. I have seen it, even grumpy old men starts to smile at babies**.” She could see that he really meant it.

 

“ **Be careful, you know that babies are contagious right?** ”, he warned her. Sana made a dry laugh. “ **I study medicine, so I know for a fact that babies are not contagious** ”, she said. “ **I didn’t mean in a biological way, it’s the idea of having a baby that is contagious** ”, he said and started a long exposition on how it worked.

“ **Hear me out. When I started working at the kindergarten one of my colleagues was pregnant. Five months later her sister and one more colleague got pregnant. It was the same with my brothers. First one announced that they were having a baby and within six months the other one came with the good news** ”. Sana got suspicious. Was he trying to plant the idea in her head now?

“ **Don’t get your hopes up, we are not going to have any babies until I’ve finished medical school** ”, Sana insisted. “ **Ok, if you say so. But you might change your mind once Eva’s baby is born** ”, he said. “ **I am not going to change my mind!** ”, she assured him. She really was not the type and she would make sure it would not happen.

 

One evening when they had been hanging out at Yousef and Mikael’s place Adam offered her a ride home in his car so that she would not have to take the tram in the cold night. Sana was more than thankful for the offer. It was freezing outside and it got dark so early in the winter too. Not that she felt scared going home alone late in the cold dark night, but it was still so much nicer to get a ride.

 

In the car he complained to Sana about how Eva was treated him. She seemed to think everything he did was wrong, he said. His apartment was not adapted for a small child since it was on the fifth floor with no elevator. Eva had also said that she probably did not want him to be there, in the birth room, when it was time for the baby to be born. “ **I don’t get why nobody seems to take me seriously** ”, he complained.

“ **Adam, it is not about you. She will be extremely exposed and in pain for several hours** ”, Sana told him. He looked at her a bit guilty thinking about it. “ **There will be blood, other fluids and finally a baby coming out of her vagina. It will be brutal and amazing** ”, she continued and rolled her eyes at Adam’s scared and disgusted expression.

He took a breath and said, “ **I’ll just be at a pub with my friends then, waiting for the call. And when it’s over I’ll celebrate by lighting a cigar. Like in the good old days, ha ha** ”. Sana thought he was getting away to easy, not taking it serious enough. “ **So you don’t want to be waiting at the hospital and see her immediately after she’s born?** ”, she asked. “ **I don’t know. Not if Eva doesn’t want me there. We’ll see. Besides we don’t know what date it will be, so I might be working on the ferry that week** ”, he answered more seriously and looked away. Sana felt sorry for him, he seemed so lost, so unprepared.

 

Sana on the other hand was very prepared for the childbirth. She had read about how she could be a good and supportive birth partner and how to communicate with the mother even during the most intense phase. She had read several birth stories and asked everybody she met, who had given birth, how it had been. Eva’s mother, her own mother, her aunt and even one of her university professors. She asked them about how it started, what symptoms they had initially and how the real contractions differed from the Braxton-Hicks contractions that were common weeks, even month, before the time had come. Did the water break and initiate the process early on or did they have to break it once at the hospital? She was prepared for any possible scenario, knowing that it could start, proceed and finish in very different ways. Every birth was unique. Every mother and child was unique. Women reacted quite differently, experienced the pain differently and it could take a few hours or a few days.

 

Eva seemed surprisingly calm about the coming event. Apart from one day about a month before the expected birth date when she panicked. “ **There is no easy way out! Only brutal options!** ”, she had outbursted. Sana calmed her down by repeating how amazing the woman body was, that it was made for giving birth and gotten prepared for it the past nine months. “ **Think about it, some women choice to do it again and again. They would never do it if it wasn’t worth it. Think about the goal, your reward, your baby** ”. Eva had calmed down a bit by those words.

 

### (Saturday 1 February, 2020)

 

But nothing could have prepared her for what she was about to witness. Seeing her friend in so much pain and there being so little she could do to release it. From a medical point of view, it was highly interesting off course. A midwife student was with them most of the time and Sana listen attentively to the supervisors instructions and explanations. She observed when the maternity support worker showed the student how to do and interpret all the routine observations; temperature, pulse, blood pressure and breathing. After that she showed her a collection of sterile utensils; amniotic hook, forceps, scissors, speculum, laparoscopic sponges, sutures, ventouse and hemostat. Most of them were only to be used in an emergency situation, if the baby got distressed and indicated the need to speed up and finish the process. Sana found it all very fascinating and a bit terrifying, considering Eva’s situation.

 

Eva was mostly gone, or too focused on her contractions and pain to care about any details around them. She got high from the nitrous oxide she was taking. No wonder they call it laughing gas. Sana tried to focus on following the flow on the fetal monitor that showed both the baby’s heart rate and Eva’s contractions. In that way she could help Eva by giving her the gas in time before a new contraction arrived and taking it away when it hit the top and started to fade away, to avoid her getting too dizzy. It was not easy, Eva liked her drug and glared irritated at her everytime she tried to remove the mask.

 

There was a lot of movement in the hospitals maternity ward, but it was mostly outside the birth room they had been given access to. At one point there was a shift of staff and new people got introduced to Eva and Sana and given a status update from the midwife in charge who had received them. All together it took about five hours from the time they arrived at the hospital until the baby was born. Sana went out to get some coffee at one point, but she stayed with Eva almost every minute.

 

Eva had asked for an epidural and they had called for the anaesthetist to place it over an hour ago, but she was busy in surgery. Sana got irritated. Why on earth did the maternity ward not have their own anaesthetist? She made a mental note to remember to insist on an epidural early on when it was her time to give birth. By the time the anaesthetist was out of surgery it was too late to place an epidural since Eva had reached the final active phase of labour. They said there was no point anymore. It would most likely just risk to prolong the process since it would be harder for Eva to understand when she should push if she could not feel her contractions. Anyway it would all be over soon.

It was intense, brutal and amazing, just like Sana imagined it would be. Eva looked at and kissed her daughter once they had placed her safety in her arms. “ **I can’t believe she is here. I have a baby. She was inside me and now she is here** ”, she repeated confused and amazed. Sana got the honor to cut the umbilical cord. It was a lot tougher that she would had imagined.

 

Adam had been sending messages, asking Sana for updates during the process. Sana sent him a photo of the baby and told him it was ok to come in as soon as Eva had given her permission. The medical staff made fun of Adam when he arrived for missing all the action and showed him the placenta and the bloody sheets just to scare him. He cried and kissed the baby girl and Eva on the forehead. He, who always had something to say, was completely speechless now. Eva got a tray with the norwegian flag, two glasses of juice and two sandwiches on.

  
On the way home Sana send a message to Yousef ” **It is over. Eva got a beautiful baby girl now** ”. Followed by a photo of the newborn Julie. Yousef answered her “ **Awww! No, it is not over, it is just beginning** ”.


	4. POV Adam: No choice

_Wise men say_ _  
__Only fools rush in_  
(Elvis - I can't help falling in love with you)

### (Tuesday 17 September, 2019)

“ **Do you wanna go for a ride with me? To talk** ”, Adam asked Eva. Only a few minutes earlier he had met her mother for the first time when she opened the door. She seemed surprised to see him, like she knew who he was but did not expect him there. She had been friendly and showed him to the backyard were Eva was busy painting a crib white.

 

“ **Wow, you already have got a baby bed** ”, he said surprised. The scene shook him up. It made it all real. Soon a real live baby was going to sleep in that crib. And Eva was different too. She looked healthy and much bigger now, under an oversized T-shirt that had white stains of paint on it.

 

“ **Yes, I’ve got it all under control. I got this from my mom’s colleague. I’ve got so many things already, it’s amazing. I’ll probably not need to buy anything at all** ”, she said. “ **People are already coming with gifts?** ”, he asked surprised. He had seen a miniature Adidas tracksuit the other day that he almost bought. But it seemed too early and a bit exaggerated to come with a gift like that already.

“ **No, not really. I’ve gotten a lot of used things from people who just want to get rid of baby stuff** ”, she said. She must have noticed him staring at her body so he tried to act normal and say something. “ **How long is it… When is it time?** ”, he asked unsure on how to put it. He felt like he should know this already but he couldn’t remember if she had told him or not the last time they met. “ **The baby is due in the beginning of February. So I am about halfway now** ”, she answered. “ **Halfway. Like half baked** ”, he tried to joke and at least he made her smile for a second.

 

Standing there in the backyard, on her territory he felt a little misplaced. Like her mother and the empty crib was staring at him, judging him. But he had not come to be judged today, he had come to do the right thing.

Maybe it would had been better if he had sent a message and asked if she was busy first. To check if she even wanted him to come over. He had been thinking about Eva and the baby a lot the past weeks, working on the ferry, selling alcohol, candy and tobacco to tourists and other travelers. He had been working, thinking, worrying, agonising. About how he should handle this situation. His options.

 

Adam’s brother had not been merciful when he told him that Eva, a girl that he’d been having a thing with, was pregnant. He started calling him all kinds of things and accused him of being thoughtless, selfish, stupid and irresponsible, “ **Whatever you were thinking, or not thinking, that got you into this mess, it is still not the baby’s fault. The baby will come weather you are ready or not** ”, his brother had said.

 

Being stuck on the ferry for two weeks had in one way been a release. A break. It gave him time to think before he did or said anything stupid. When he had first taken the job on the Copenhagen ferry it was because it was well paid, but it would still give him lots of time to work on his music the two weeks he was off the ferry. Having a record contract and focusing only on his music had been great at first, but it had not generated as much money as he first had hoped. He also realised that having a normal steady job seemed more reliable in the eyes of landlords when he wanted to get his own apartment. Being stuck on the ferry meant that he would not meet Eva, that he didn’t risk to accidentally run into her somewhere in Oslo. He had gotten the chance to think everything through first, before they talked again.

 

“ **Eh, sure, ok, I can go for a ride with you. Just let me get changed first** ”, Eva answered.

 

She came back in a snug striped dress. It suited her and made her look both very good and very pregnant. It hit him that they had done all of this in the completely wrong order. He had never taken her out somewhere nice, not even once. The closest thing to a date had been when they stopped for kebab once when he gave her a ride home, way back when they were just friends. Apart from that they had just hanged out together with friends or at her place. At least he had cleaned the car this time. She even made a remark about it. Good, she had noticed it, then it was well spent two hours. He was not sure what they were to each other now. Friends? Friend who sometimes had sex? Friends who were just a few months away from having a baby together? Or at least she was.

 

He drove passed the museum area down to a café by the waterfront. A nice place, he had been there with his ex-girlfriend once. She had chosen the location that time.

 

At the counter they ordered coffee and pastries. He suggested pancakes but she was more in the mood for chocolate muffins. When they walked to a table by the window Adam got distracted by another girl arriving in the entrance. She had a strong and confident walk, like a dancer or an athlete. He had seen her somewhere before but could not quiet place her. She was very different from Eva, who waddled like a duck and managed to spilled some of her coffee on the floor. He offered to take her cup before she would make a bigger disaster or burn herself.

 

“ **Be careful so that you don’t break your neck** ”, Eva teased him when they sat down and he turned to get a final look at the girl. Her words made him embarrassed. “ **I wasn’t checking her out** ”, he denied. “ **I think I’ve seen her somewhere, I’m pretty sure she’s a dancer** ”, he added to explain why he was looking at her.

“ **It’s ok. You can look a pretty girls if you want to** ”, Eva assured him. “ **I am. Right now** ”, he added looking straight at her with a smug smile. She laughed in response, surprised and said, “ **Wow. That’s smooth. I didn’t expect that. Flirting with the pregnant chick now are you?** ”.

“ **Why not? You’re for sure the prettiest girl in the room** ”, he added. He started it and now he might as well continue, knowing that she loved that type of flirting, even if she pretended not to and always laughed it away.

 

He thought of the last time they had been together, in her room in Las Palmas. He had been making stupid jokes about her white breasts, about how it was discrimination that they didn’t get to see the sun at all and that they should sue her for it. She thought he was silly, just like now, and put a top on. After they had made pancakes for breakfast, something that was very appreciated by everybody in the house. Mutta ate at least five, Vilde complained that now she would get fat and Chris tried to convince him to stay with them long term, so that they could get pancakes every morning. For a second he had seriously considered it. Dropping everything and move to Las Palmas. Eva had avoided his eyes and just gone to make more coffee. He never asked her what she thought about the idea. If she would have liked to have him there. And the next day he went home to Oslo.

 

Was it strange of him to still be so attracted to her, he wondered. Was it kinky? He used to think that pregnant women and mothers were somehow assexual and off limits. But Eva was adorable, with her funny walk and clumsiness. From behind she didn’t look very big, but from the side and front you couldn’t miss the growing belly. It was so much bigger now than when he last saw her. Everything was rounder, her breasts off course, but even her face and ankles he noticed. And there was a new calm over her, like she was not at all afraid. The whole idea of her maybe carrying his child was exhilarating yet a bit frightening for him. He couldn’t quite comprehend it and got serious.

 

“ **I’m sorry for last time we met** ”, he started. He had reacted badly, gotten very upset and jealous when she had told him that she was pregnant and maybe it wasn’t his. He had said some things he meant but regretted afterwards and he felt bad for it. Especially considering her situation.

“ **It’s ok. I was prepared. I already knew that you wouldn’t be thrilled about it** ”, she told him calmly. “ **Still, I could have handled it a lot better** ”, he added looking at her, wondering what she was thinking or feeling about all of this. What she thought about him.

 

His plan for this meeting had been show her that she was not alone, to let her know that he was ready to do the right thing. To convince her that he was not thoughtless, selfish, stupid and irresponsible, like his brother had said.

 

He didn’t want to be like his own no-good father, who just came and left like he pleased. Always with a worthless excuse about some important job he needed to take care of and empty promises that he would make things better for them. The next time. Adam wanted to be more like his uncle. The good reliable, muslim man who was always there for them, who came to fix clogged toilets and made sure that they had everything they needed. Football shoes, winter jackets, a decent vacation by the beach to tell their classmates about when school started again after summer break.

 

“ **I’ve had some time to think now, on the ferry. About you and the baby. And I talked a bit with my brother too. Since he already has a kid** ”, he continued and started telling her what he had planned to say. “ **I want you to know that you can count me in. I want to be involved. And we, you and I, we are good together, so it makes sense that we should be together** ”, he told her.

She moved on her seat a little, observing him defensively before she said, “ **You don’t have to feel like we have to be together just because I got pregnant. It might not even be yours** ”.

 

Sitting across from Eva he thought that she seemed so calm, so in control, like she wasn’t hoping or expecting anything from him at all. She was not angry or hostile against him. Just calm. It caught him a bit off guarde.

 

“ **But Eva, that’s not what I just said. Or it’s not what I was trying to say. I... want to be with you** ”, he started explaining and it felt both good and terrifying to say it out loud, because he was not sure how she would take it.

 

It had become clear to him the other day when he stopped by Even's café and he had gotten challenged.  " **Having a kid is not the end of the world, you'll be ok. It's even supposed to be a total babe-magnet. Like having a puppy. Women just find it adorable. But be honest now. If you were not afraid, what would you want? I mean apart from what you feel that you should do, if it's your baby. Do you want to be together with Eva or not?** ", Even had asked.

 

Adam had not thought about it like that before. In his head everything had been about the baby, the problem, something that had not been part of his future plans right now. And about Eva being with another guy, and that maybe it meant that he was not very special to her.

But, when he thought about the times they had been together, he knew that they had been close. They were good together, they had fun. He could not say that about most girls he had been with. For most girls it seemed to be a game, wanting to be spoiled and admired. Those girls just played with his emotions and liked it if he lost focus. But they were never very personal.

 

Eva didn’t seem to mind that he was always busy with his music, with her things were just chill. They could talk about real things because they had been friends first. The mutual attraction was just a bonus. She had this sparkle in her eyes when she was in the mood. A hungry, dirty look. It was funny how obvious it was, she was probably not even aware of it herself, but he knew. She had no shame when it came to sex. Sure she showed a little guilt for making things messy, but she did not seem to feel guilty for sleeping with two guys the same week. And why should she, they had never been exclusive. He had not asked or expected her to stay faithful. He had just maybe hoped that she would not find other guys interesting. Just like he didn't find other girls very interesting anymore.

 

He had honestly enjoyed every second spent with her. Not just getting laid or that she liked his music. All their moments, talking, fooling around, joking, even disagreeing and arguing about things. The way that she made fun of him, just like his sister sometimes does, it made him feel at home with her. And she had always seem genuinely interested in what he was doing and why he was doing it. Like she could understand what his music meant to him. He feared that if he messed this up now, maybe he would never be able to find that connection with a woman again. This was different. So he continued rambling nervously.

 

“ **Look, the baby is coming, weather or not it’s mine. And I’ve even found this prenatal paternity test. For 12.000 crowns you can find out if you’re the father even before the baby is born by sending blood samples from the mother and DNA from the father to a lab. After birth it’s easier so it cost is one third of that. You’ll get an answer within three weeks. So if I wanted an easy way out, I would insist on doing that and just hope that it’s not mine, right? 12.000 is not much to pay for that type of freedom, right? It’s not like 50.000 or 100.000… But the thing is that it wouldn’t change much for me anyway. You would still be pregnant and have a baby in a few months. So I would still need to deal with it... because... I still want to be with you** ”. He wasn’t sure he made any sense, that she understood what he was trying to tell her. She had this focused expression on her face and it made him speak faster, maybe less coherent. There was a moment of awkward silence and he got uncomfortable and looked down on the coffee and muffin that they had bought but barely touched. He took a sip from his cup, stopped talking and waited.

 

The place he had chosen was really cosy with the sofas and many big oriental pillows. A perfect place to have this conversation, or any personal conversation. Like a home environment but still on a safe neutral territory. She was sitting on the other side of the low round table, observing him puzzled. He regretted now that he had not sat down beside her on the small sofa instead, so that he could have touched her, hold her hand or something. Now she was so far away, out of reach and he felt exposed sitting right in front of her in a large armchair like this. He was seated so low and didn’t know where to put his legs.

 

He liked her. A lot. A bit too much many. And that made it difficult. If not he could just be the friend who maybe accidentally got her pregnant, and if the baby turned out to be his he would step up and be a father.

But now... would it feel strange to be just the father if she rejected him? And how would it feel to be together if the baby had another father? Would he think about them together every time he saw that baby?

“ **So... you want to be... my boyfriend? Now? This is so messed up! Like probably the worst timing to start a new relationship. I will need to focus on the baby and Pawpaw will need stability** ”, she argued, apparently still not convinced by him.

“ **Pawpaw?** **Seriously? We need to talk about that name** ”, he said. She laughed surprised. He felt an opening, her dubious smile, like she was either impressed or thinking that he was a complete idiot.

 

“ **Stability you said. Ok, then we have what? Four months or something to create some kind of stability. We can do that. What kind of stability do you want? Get married and move in to my apartment so that I can go up in the middle of the night to change diapers? That type of stability?** ”, he suggested half serious, half joking, surprised by his own boldness. Surely if they were getting serious, that is where they were heading anyway. Familylife, getting marriage, living together. Especially since there was a baby on the way. He remembered something his brother had said and thought about how most of his friends were either getting married or already living with their partner. Yousef, Elias, Even, also Mutta until recently. If they could do it, why couldn’t he? He would be the first one to have a baby, but hey, somebody had to be first.

 

“ **You are crazy! Maybe we should get to know each other just a little bit better first, you know like normal people do. Not just have sex but also start to hang out during daytime, sleep over and things like that. Seriously, get married and move in together? You are insane** ”, she said shaking her head at the idea. She was still laughing at him, but he thought it sounded like a good laugh. And he loved when he made her laugh.

“ **Well... we are hanging out now, aren’t we? Look, the sun is out.** **It’s still daytime. And are you free tonight? Do you wanna come over and see my new apartment after this maybe? Netflix and chill? I’ll even let you pick the movie** ” he offered, feeling more confident by the minute. He would be the best boyfriend ever. The best father... the best whatever. If she would let him.

 

“ **Tonight? You are surely not wasting any time, are you? Anyway Netflix and chill is just Tinder lingo for sex** ”, she said like a smartass, giving him one of those cocky looks.

“ **If you say so. I wouldn’t know, I’m not on Tinder** ”, he answered and leaned back in his armchair feeling like he was winning. She had brought up sex, not him. Were pregnant women even supposed to be having sex? His brother had told him to not expect any sex for months after the baby was born, but he had not mentioned anything about sex during the pregnancy.

“ **Besides, why wait? In twelve days I need to be back to work on the ferry for another two weeks, so now I want to make the most of my days off. What is there really to think about? We already know that we are good together. Unless you just don’t feel the same for me and I have just been imagining that maybe you just might like me** ”, he explained and put the question out there. He needed to know.

 

“ **Look, I promise to not be an ass if you reject me now. We can still be friends. Or friendly** ”, he said in an attempt to make it easier for her to be completely honest with him.

 

“ **No, no, I like you. Sure I do. But I don’t know... I really don’t know you that well** ”, she tried to argue vaguely and it made him feel like he was winning ground.

“ **Come on, you know me. I’m not that complicated. What is it you want to know about me? You can ask me anything** ”, he said and continued smiling. Yes! She had admitted that she liked him. She was most likely coming with him home tonight.

“ **You make it sound so easy** ” she said with a much softer tone than before. “ **Why make it difficult?** ”, he answered quickly.

 

When she looked at him, like she was trying to determine if she should take him seriously or not, he promised himself to not be the first to look away. She smiled and look down but did not say what she was thinking.

 

“ **And about the baby... for me it is still pretty unreal, like an idea. My brother said that for men it’s much easier after it’s born, when you can see it, touch it. For you, it’s probably different. I mean, do you feel it? Like moving or kicking inside you?** ”, he wanted to know. They continued talking about the unborn baby that might be his, about his new place and what movie to see that night. It was so easy, he could be himself with her. This was going to have a happy ending, he felt.

 

…

 

Adam’s apartment was a small one room apartment on the top floor. It mostly had just a bed, a sofa, on one side and a huge TV, a computer and speakers on the other side in the room. Over the TV was a dart board and two big drawing, one of a polar bear in a ski jacket and another with a camel wearing cowboy boots. Even had made them for him he explained, it was some inside joke. The windows were small but you could see the sky. In the seperate kitchen was a small table, three chairs and a dead plant. There were ugly stickers on the refrigerator from the previous owner and a festival poster on the wall. Adam had performed on that festival, it had been one of his first big gigs.

 

They had bought potato rings and take away Mcdonalds meals on the way home, because that was what Eva wanted. Adam had protested first, “ **Are pregnant chicks not supposed to eat more nutritious food?** ”, so he had insisted on buying some fruits and juices too.

 

They sat down to eat and watch the comedy Eva had chosen and after all the food was gone they got more cosy on the sofa.

 

“ **Did you just smell my hair?** ”, Eva asked in the middle of the movie.

“ **Maybe. Why?** ”, he answered lazy.

She looked at him strangely and explained, “ **It’s a bit creepy** ”.

He disagreed. “ **No it’s not. It’s a perfectly normal thing for a boyfriend to do. I think. Ge used to it** ”.

What was the point of having a girlfriend with nice hair that smelled good if he was not allowed to smell it, he thought. He noticed also how the elastic fabric of her dress followed her body, how her breast and belly was moving up and down to the rhythm of her breathing. It was soothing. Hypnotising. He felt how happy and exhausted he was now. It had been a good day in the end.

 

“ **You’re not even watching the movie, are you?** ”, she asked after a moment.

“ **No, not really, I’ve seen it already** ”, he admitted uninterested. He only wanted to sit in the sofa, with his pregnant girlfriend, maybe smell her hair, and relax in front of something not too demanding on the TV. She reached for the remote and turned the TV of. It interrupted him. What was he supposed to do now?

 

“ **Do you want some music instead?** ”, he asked but didn’t wait for an answer before he put on a smooth hip hop playlist he had made once. The first track was _The best I ever had_ and Drake. She seemed to be diggin it, smiling and moving her head from side to side to the rhythm. When reaching the chorus Adam started singing along. She raised her eyebrows, smile and move her head from one side to the other following the music. She had that natural way of moving to music that he envied in people. Some people could just get away with anything, whatever they did looked cool. While he had to think and work for it when he was to perform. Then she pulled him over for a kiss. It felt different, like they were different now. He was not sure, what it was. Softer maybe. It had been the same when they had kissed earlier that day. Like she was new to him. He wondered if she felt the same but it seemed like a stupid thing to ask.

 

“ **Ok my turn, I got a song for you** ”, Eva said excited when the song was fading out and took charge over his phone and Spotify. She put on _Turn your lights down low_ , a smooth reggae song. She was so sweet. “ **_I want to give you some love._ ** **_I want to give you some good, good lovin'_ ** ”, Eva sang along with Bob Marley, still moving cool but in a completely different way than before. Adam like this game, he already started thinking about what song he should put on next, but got distracted by more kisses. Yes, this was a great game.

 

When Eva’s song was about to end Adam said, “ **You like old school right? I have something old for you** ”. It started slow with soft guitar picking and then Elvis voice like velvet singing _“_ **_Wise men say, Only fools rush in, But I can't help falling in love with you_ ** _”,_ accompanied by a small choir of backing vocals. He had heard it in a shop the other day and it had made an impression on him. The song filled the room with a fateful heavy fog, making him dim. “ **_Like a river flows surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, Some things are meant to be_ ** ”, the song continued.

This was crazy, he thought. This whole situation. Eva being there. In his place. Pregnant. Kissing him. Wanting him. Him wanting to be with her and her baby that might not even be his. Her soft eyes and smooth skin. Her hair smelling too damn good, like almond.

The song was over much too soon and lead on to another, more upbeat Elvis song that ruined the atmosphere. Adam put on his previous smooth hip hop make out playlist again and put the phone away. It was crazy but still so easy to be together with Eva.

 

…

 

Later when they were close together in his bed, he felt the need to tell her something.

“ **When I talked to my brother… I just said the baby was mine. I don’t know, it just feels easier to say that to people. Until we know for sure at least** ”, he admitted and waited for her reaction. It was no ones business anyway, who Eva had slept with, he thought. It was before they were officially together. Before today. Eva nodded and answered “ **Ok** ”.

“ **I didn’t mean to lie about it, it's just easier to say that than to go into details** ”, he added. Eva nodded again “ **It’s ok. Probably smart** ”, she agreed.

“ **But now I feel like I need to tell you something too. Confess something very stupid that I did... that had consequences** ”, she started and made him nervous. Now what? Please no new bad news now that everything was going so well for once. “ **What did you do?** ”, he asked frightened.

 

She sat up straight, looked at him and started explaining. “ **Vilde’s girlfriend has this friend who is all about everything being natural, no added chemicals or E-numbers in food. She’s really cool, even makes her own soap and shampoo. So we were drinking, a lot, one night and ended up talking about birth control and hormones. Why does women have to pollute their bodies with hormones just because guys don't like rubber, right, that kind of talk. So when I went to the bathroom I must have decided to take it out , you know, my hormonal ring. And then I just forgot about it. I have a vague memory about doing that, thinking that I just didn’t want to pollute my body anymore. A few weeks later, when I was suppose to take it out I panicked, because it wasn't there anymore** ”.

 

He stared at her as if she was crazy. She added “ **I was really, really drunk that night** ”. He did not know what to say at first.

“ **Ok, so that’s it? That’s right before I visited and when you got pregnant?** “, he asked. She nodded and bit her lip, looking guilty as hell.

“ **My girlfriend... is officially insane. You are... not drinking ever again. seriously! You cannot be trusted around alcohol** ”, he said, joking, pulling her to him and kissing her tenderly the next second.

 

“ **I know it’s crazy. I promise, I didn't do it on purpose. But now… I don’t know... I’m happy I got pregnant. Like it was meant to happen, or something** ”, she explained. “ **Your unconscious probably tricked you. You wanted it, and you always get what you want, don’t you? You're one of those annoying people who always get their way** ”, he accused her.

 

But he couldn't help wondering if she was right. Maybe if she wouldn’t had gotten pregnant he wouldn't had said the things he said earlier and she would not be there with him tonight. Maybe they would not had gotten together for real tonight and just continued dancing around each other for another year or two and then let it slip away. He smiled at her and shook his head again. How the hell did he end up with a crazy pregnant girlfriend?

 

### Chat

Elias: **Who is up for doing something tonight?**

Adam: **can’t I’m hanging with my girl**

Elias: **What’s this? you’ve got a girl now?**

Yousef: **Eva?**

Even: **congrats bro**

Mikael: **Off course Adam & Eva haha**

Mutta: **say hi from me!**

Adam: **will do!**


	5. POV Eva: Epilogue Too good to be true

  
_You're just too good to be true_  
_I can't take my eyes off you_  
_You'd be like heaven to touch_  
_I wanna hold you so much_  
_At long last love has arrived_  
_And I thank God I'm alive_  
_You're just too good to be true_  
_Can't take my eyes off you_  
(Frankie Valli)

 

### (Wednesday 16 September, 2020) 

Eva woke up with a feeling that something was wrong. She was alone which was odd. Usually there was at least one more person in her bed, often two.

She didn’t care what people thought about letting Julie sleep with her in the big bed. Julie was still so very little! But whenever Adam was sleeping over, he would carried her to her own bed once she had fallen asleep, and in the early morning hours she would be back, occupying the space in the middle, between the two of them. It is crazy how much space such a small person can take. As if even in her sleep she was trying to make sure that they were aware of her presence.

Now the bed and the room was empty. She stayed still in the dark and listened to the night.

 

Often whenever she was worried or upset and had troubles falling asleep she would lie and listen to Julie’s breathing. In and out in a rapid steady rhythm. It comforted her. Now all she could hear was a wind blowing outside. No morning birds yet. She looked at the clock. 5:05. So one and a half hours until she needed to get up and get ready.

 

She turned a few times in bed but eventually felt like she had to get up, just to check. Halfway up the staircase she could hear him. Singing with a low voice, “ **You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you** ”. She tiptoed up to the living room and saw Adam walking around singing and puffing on Julie in his arms to get her back to sleep. She didn’t mean to spy, but didn’t want to disturb them either. He stopped and half sat and half lied down on the sofa with Julie on his chest and closed his eyes. Finally. Eva walked up and joined them quietly at the other end of the sofa. He must had noticed her because he looked up at her with sleepy eyes and made a sign to her to stay quiet. He puffed a bit more on Julie to make sure she was gone and slowly, slowly he got up and carried her back to her bed.

 

Eva closed her eyes, thinking that she probably should go back to bed for that important last hour of sleep, but she felt too tired to move. Soon enough Adam was back on the sofa and made a sign to her to join him. “ **Come over here. I know you want to** ”. She crawled over and placed herself upon him with her ear against his chest and listened to his heart. “ **First my little girl and now my big girl** ”, he mumbled.

 

“ **Thank you for taking Julie. I didn’t even wake up** ”, she said. “ **Forget about it. I’m not the one who needs to get to work up early** ”, he said. She noticed how she could hear his voice from two directions, both normally through one ear and also the vibration through his torso. “ **By the way, my mum said that she can take Julie on Friday night** ”, he added. His mother often helped with Julie, especially since Eva had started working part time this summer and now that she was starting dance classes. But putting her to bed in the evening was new and it felt like a big thing to Eva.

 

“ **Oh, that’s good. Does she still think that we should get married?** ”, she asked. The suggestion had come up when they talked about Sana and Yousef’s wedding and Eva had teased Adam about it ever since. She felt him exhaling slowly and could imagine his annoyed expression but his voice was calm and steady when he answered. “ **Eh, she has not said anything more about it… but I still think that maybe we should…** ”.

 

It seemed like such a big decision. Getting married. Getting their own place.

There had been so many fights and discussions the past year. About small and big things, that it made her wonder if they really saw things the same way. First about how to handle the paternity test, then about whether or not to get married and, or, move in together. And oh, off course, about alcohol. Even Sana had backed her there, by saying that the alcohol that was passed on to Julie while breastfeeding was so little that it couldn’t hurt her. “ **I’ll put it like this. If you want to get wasted it’s safer if you let someone else hold the baby for you while you breastfeed her** ”, had been her final statement. Eva laugh like crazy at it. It was funny, because obviously she didn’t plan to get wasted while breastfeeding. But Adam didn’t find it fun at all.

 

Sometimes Eva wondered if they fought so much just to get some drama in their baby life. It had gotten better when Adam started sleeping over more often and thereby got a better understanding of why she was always so tired. At first it got worse for a while, because, well, this way he was also always tired. But no matter what the issue was they always seemed to managed to make up. She liked that he always apologised and admitted when he had been wrong. That is a rare and underrated traite.

 

Now he slept more at her place than in his own apartment when he was off the ferry. So again they talked about maybe getting a place together, that she could not live in her mother’s basement forever. But it was still such a comfortable solution for her and she didn’t want to rush things.

 

It’s ironic because when they got together for real, a year ago, she had been on her guard, thinking that he wanted to be with her, but only tolerated her coming baby because he had to. That maybe he would grow tired of playing house when things got too difficult. Now there were times when she suspected the opposite. That maybe he was not the same crazy about her anymore and more in love with her baby daughter. When they skyped, on his ferry weeks, the first thing he asked about was always how Julie was doing. Eva was not jealous, that would be stupid, but still, it did make her wonder sometimes.

 

### (Thursday 17 September, 2020)

Eva stopped by at Even’s cafe after work. She was meeting her girls there and for once she came alone. Just herself. No boyfriend. No baby. No stroller or changing bag with extra cloths, small toys, baby snacks, diapers and baby wipes. Or the blanket and the polka dot rain cover that she got with the stroller, just in case.

 

Even was busy with customers but gave her a big warm smile when he saw her entering. He had a way of always making you feel welcome and special. It was almost flirty, she had even talked to Noora about it, who first blushed and only after some persuasion reluctantly admitted that she had noticed it to.

The last time she had seen Even, and everyone, was on Eskild’s extravagant 25th birthday party about a month ago. It didn’t feel very long ago. Thinking about it she had only met Sana and Chris once since then. It was just the way things were now. She had her new baby-life with mommy-friends and kindergarten colleagues and they had their classmates and study groups and university stuff. She saw Noora a bit more often though and hopefully she would see more of Vilde soon again, rumours were that she was moving home to Oslo for good.

 

Noora and Sana arrived together before she had gotten a chance to order. Noora quickly and strategically occupied one of the good tables with the cosy sofas for them and asked them to just get her a chai, while Sana joined Eva in the coffee queue. Sana sent a message asking Chris if she wanted them to get her something as well. She was apparently running very late from her boyfriends place.

 

“ **Do we like him?** ”, Eva asked Sana. He was not Mutta, not even close and Eva always like Mutta. “ **I think we do. Don’t we? I mean she likes him** ”, Sana said.

Eva was not as sure. She didn’t have any obvious reason to not like him. More than that he was a bit like a grumpy old man trapped in the body of a 25-year old and had a wicked sense of humor that never made her sure whether or not he was joking. Noora had been very reserved at first but had not mentioned him for a while, so maybe even she had accepted him by now.

 

Even came around the bar to hug them when it was their turn to order. He seemed disappointed that she had left Julie at home with Adam. On Eskild’s party he had been completely charmed by her. They placed their orders and Sana took the first two cups and walked over to Noora while Eva waited for Even to make her special coffee and a drink for Chris.

 

“ **Is he doing ok? My Koya Adam? Is he doing his part?** ”, he asked while moving his hands fast and confident, mastering the espresso machine like a pro.

“ **Yeah. Sure. When he’s of the ferry** ”, she answered. It was true, he was useful, did his part.

“ **And you? Is motherhood everything that you expected and hoped for?** ”, he asked.

 

Eva wasn’t expecting that question and started thinking.

“ **It is.. and a lot more** ”, she started. Even took a step to the side, signaling to a colleague to take over the new customers. He had that look that made her feel like the most important person in the room, like her really wanted to hear what she was thinking.

 

“ **The idea, the fantasy is always better than reality off course. Cleaner, cuter, more romantic. It is not like in movies or songs or those peaceful photos of beautiful mothers or fathers with soft naked babies sleeping in their arms. But there is also so much more. Good things, that I could never had imagine... It is more powerful. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much, love so much, to sacrifice your sleep or personal space for a little person** ”.

 

“ **Interesting... I guess that’s why we need art. To bring out the beauty** ”, Even said and gave her the two cups. “ **Art is the opium for the people. A bliss. For good and bad** ”, he added. Eva took the cups and went to join her friends. She was not sure exactly what he meant, but supposed he was right. If motherhood, pregnancy and all of it had been been depicted realistic in movies, most people would probably miss the beauty of it. The same could be said about love perhaps. Living close together is not always rainbows and sunshine. It was just as much getting on eachothers nerves and arguing about doing the dishes and bringing out the trash.

 

She smiled and leaned back on the sofa. It was great to be with her friends again like in the old days. Alone. Free. For a moment. Sana was telling a hospital story and playing with the wedding ring on her finger while talking. Chris arrived and landed her shiny jacket and bulldog bag on the sofa and apologised for being late by sharing a much too private and confusing story on why she couldn’t leave earlier. Noora just remembered something and grabbed Eva’s arm. “ **Oh, William told me to tell you that, yes, it will be a lot easier for Adam to adopt Julie if you get married first. Then all you need is basically a signature from the biological father and some legal paperwork** ”. Eva nodded surprised. She didn’t know that Adam had been talking to William about this. But now that she knew, she remembered seeing them together discussing something on Eskild party. Why had he not told her about this?

 

She thought about what he had said the night before when the question of marriage had come up again. “ **If it wasn’t for Julie, if I would never had gotten pregnant… do you still think we would be here, together, talking about this?** ”, she had asked.

 

“ **Yes, why not?** ”, he answered. But soon he started to correct his answer. “ **No, then we would be out on a club or at some after party now… or just have gotten back home and be busy making love instead** ”, he said dreamy but seemed to be too tired to try to make anything happen. “ **But you still think that we would be together?** ”, she asked. “ **Yes. Or I’d like to think so** ”, he answered.

 

She thought about it. Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is that if it had not been for the pregnancy and all the drama that came along with it, she wouldn’t had known Adam the way she did now. They wouldn’t had been forced to have certain discussions to start with. He had surprised her, again and again, mostly in a good way. Sure he was lazy and childish and said really stupid things now and then. But he had also grown in her eyes. He really tried and had proven to be better than she first had thought. Maybe they did have a future together after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, finally I finished this! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Sorry for the delay, I hate when people start publishing stories and then stop in the middle without a warning, I try to not start publishing things until I have most of the story ready with the intention of publishing it in a flow.
> 
> This time I had an ending epilogue-chapter almost ready, but then it didn't feel right, so I started to re-write it, and then real life just got to busy and other things took over. Again sorry and thanks to the reader who reminded me!
> 
> I have ideas, 2-3 drafted stories but too little time to write focused with out getting interrupted now :( so I will see when I will be ready to publish something new.


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